Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Mirror Mirror

When I think about the person I am, I can mostly be honest with myself.  I'm really really loud.  I talked too much in school, and that bad habit hasn't changed one bit (although, thanks to the internet, the medium has altered slightly to include blogging as another form of "verbal" mind dumping). I'm an extrovert for sure although I do much better in smaller groups than I do in large groups. I'm stubborn to a fault.  I have an extremely short temper that goes up like fireworks, but burns out just as quickly.  I'm admittedly a control freak and subsequently a planner.  Not only plan As and Bs, but I typically have a plan C and D just in case. That need to control and plan often makes me pretty bossy.  I don't mean to be, but the panic and anxiety that goes through me when things don't happen as they're planned sends me in a tailspin. I'm flighty and sometimes easily distracted.  GG and LW will gladly share with you the number of times I've asked them a question and then followed it with "I know I just asked you this, but can you repeat that? I stopped listening to you."  I wouldn't say I'm a glass half empty kind of girl, although my husband would.  I just like to anticipate the worst case scenario an plan for it, and that allows me to quietly hope for the best case scenario anyway.  I'm a drama queen.  I admit it.  Always have been, likely always will be, although it manifests itself in an all or nothing way.  Something is really amazing, or horribly tragic.  I don't have a lot of room for grey.  And, although I give my trust easily, once you lose it, it's gone. Not that I don't give a lot of chances before I give up on people, but when I do, I give up completely.

I'm also fiercely protective of my family and friends.  I would drop everything if one of them needed me.  I'm trustworthy and honest - in fact my 7th grade science teacher, Mrs. Andrews, once told me to never play poker, I show everything I feel and think on my face.  I'm harder on myself than I'll ever be on anyone else.  And for the most part, what you see is what you get with me.  I don't play stupid mind games with people.  If I'm mad at you, not only will you know I'm mad at you, but what I'm mad about.

Now having said all of that, let me tell you about Bunny.  I get mad at her when she doesn't focus on any one thing for more than five seconds. I'm constantly telling her to focus or asking her repeatedly to do the same task over and over because she's gotten distracted by something else.. again. I'm frustrated when she bursts into tears over the most trivial things and then drags it out like the best soap opera you've ever seen.  It takes all of my will power to keep my mouth shut when she asks the same question over and over but doesn't listen to the answer.  We've lamented over and over about how Bunny ever manages to keep friends when she's always bossing them around.  I'm constantly asking Bunny to be quiet.  Reminding her about her inside voice. And Lord only knows how often she's been moved since Kindergarten for talking too much in class.  Sound familiar?  She is a little mini-me.  All those things that bug me the most about her, are all the same traits I have.  And when I get mad or upset at her over those things?  Well, it's more than a little shocking having that mirror held up and knowing you're treating your beautiful, amazing daughter to the worst kind of double standard.

Thankfully, she's also heart-breakingly kind.  A parent of one of her friend's told me once how her daughter was getting physically picked on by some of the other kids, and Bunny stepped in, made them stop, then walked her all the way to the nurses office.  She goes out of her way to make sure things are fair with everyone, especially Bug.  If she gets something, she wants to be sure he'll get something too.  She's outgoing and makes friends easily.  She hasn't known a moment of shyness in her whole life.  She's smart and not just eager, but excited to learn new things.  And she loves. Man can that tiny, little 40 pound girl pack a lot of love into her heart for everyone she meets.  She doesn't even know how to hold back.  As often as she fills me with frustration, she more often than not, fills me with awe.

Sometimes this little miracle who is SO MUCH LIKE ME makes me feel so unworthy.  At the end of the day, when I know I've tripped into that area of double standard and tried to squash those traits I don't love in myself, in her.. well, it's a daily struggle.  I try every day to find more patience for all of the kids (and The Hubs). I try to remember they're just kids.  And I work really hard at making my first response one of love and kindness instead of that hot temper I'm known for.  I'm not sure if I'm learning to love Bunny better, or learning to love myself better, but I'm trying every day to give her and my family the best of me.  They deserves it.  Bunny deserves it.

Seriously.. Thoughts?

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